by guest author Krishan Smith
It can be a difficult business, wrapping your head around all the factors that constitute a parenting plan (often still labeled as a custody and visitation agreement). That being said, once you get into the swing of things it will eventually all make sense and, if all goes well, will come naturally to you.
Making mistakes is part of a learning curve, but in any legal situation mistakes can be costly. Anticipation of complications can save you time, money, headaches and heartache.
Discuss beforehand
Unless you are using custody software, changes to your parenting plan can incur significant costs. It helps to sit down with your ex-partner, meet with a mediator if you need to, and reach some form of agreement and clarity as to what your expectations are. This can include everything from values and expenses to times each of you will spend with your children. Where you think they should spend the various holidays and how this will vary from year to year, as well as what circumstances are considered exceptional enough to warrant temporary plan changes, should be stated clearly.
The last thing you want is a disordered and chaotic schedule. Predictability, stability, consistency and structure are what you and your kids need. Initially a set routine is best with the option for future flexibility once people have settled into the format of the visitation schedule. In order to reach this agreed schedule, be clear about what you want before sitting down to discuss it. This includes issues and points you won’t budge on and why but also, most importantly, points you are willing to compromise about and give some leeway on.
Get used to working with your co-parent
You are going to be working often with your co-parent. You are still a parenting team and you need to accept that. In order to avoid the majority of misunderstandings that arise, communication is vital. Communicating effectively and civilly if not completely avoiding problems will at least mitigate their effects and prevent unnecessary escalation and ultimately conflict. If you restrict communication between your children and co-parent unduly you will only encounter further complications.
Most likely your disagreements will be about finances or time, or will stem from these areas. Designing a specific and comprehensive parenting plan in addition to a communication plan will go some way towards avoiding these complications.
Remember to put your emotions aside and try to treat the preliminary stages of forming this agreement as a business arrangement, even though personal feelings are obviously involved.
Get it in writing
In all walks of life it is usually better to get agreements in writing. If you are really amicable and co-operative with your ex-spouse it may seem a better and less formal option to just manage your co-parenting arrangement verbally. Some people do this, but it comes with many complications. It leaves you with no real action you can take if promises are broken, mistakes made, dates missed and obligations unfulfilled. Even if you do get on well, disputes that can arise from not having a written agreement may soon change that.
Having a formal and written agreement is not a sign that you don’t trust each other. It’s just a sensible and practical step that allows fewer misconceptions and removes the need for memorizing everything. The plan can account for almost every possible aspect with little room for misunderstandings or erroneous expectations.
In summary
Ultimately you need to keep at the forefront of your mind that what you are doing is for your children; they come first. Be prepared and ready for problems that will occur. People will miss appointments due to exceptional circumstances, mistakes will happen, things will be forgotten. Adapt your plan when necessary to make up for this and don’t give up or freak out. Keep in mind that when your parenting plan changes, the amount of child support that is appropriate may also change. Having said this, do not be afraid to speak out or seek appropriate action for repeated violations of the agreed-upon schedule.
If things are going badly with your co-parent remember that maybe you need space from them but that’s not necessarily the case for your children. They probably need both parents now more than ever. Your child will have to adapt to the new situation and their behavior may reflect their feelings of vulnerability at this time. Be prepared, patient and empathetic; you are not the only one going through changes.
Finally every family is different, so find a plan that suits you and adapt it to your needs. There are unlimited possibilities for customization. Don’t restrict yourself to a standard design. Do some research into the kinds of provisions you can expect and ones that you would like to consider/implement, as these are highly personal also.
