Most children do not want their parents to get divorced. They may feel angry, depressed, and/or scared. It may take them some time to regain their sense of security. Most, however, are resilient. They learn to cope with the changes in their lives.
Lasting damage results not primarily from the divorce itself but from what happens before, during, and after the divorce. High conflict between the parents, especially if it occurs where the child can see or hear it, does a lot of damage. That is why courts routinely tell divorcing couples not to disparage the other parent in front of the child. Complain to your friends in privacy as much as you need to, but avoid criticizing the other parent in front of your child.
The second major cause of damage to the child is the loss of a parent. Sometimes visits become less and less frequent. Sometimes they disappear altogether. The child may then feel abandoned, angry, and/or worthless.
If you are worried about your ex with regard to mental health issues, drug/alcohol issues, or abuse or neglect of your child, seek professional advice about what to do. Otherwise, encourage your ex to be highly involved in your child’s life. Children usually do best when each parent supports a positive relationship and a good amount of time with the other parent. Some ex-couples benefit from joint counseling about how to communicate and cooperate.
One of the best bits of advice for divorced parents that I ever heard was “Help the other parent be the best parent s/he can be.” That does not mean that you should try to control what the other parent does or become co-dependent and actively cover up the failures of the other parent. Just co-operate when possible.
If you have children, keep communication open with your partner or ex-partner. As long as you have minor children, you and your ex must work together. Your children will someday thank you for it.
The author is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Virginia Supreme Court. She is not an attorney or a therapist. This site is for informational purposes only. Nothing here should be construed as legal advice.
