I know a lot of people who thought their divorce hearing date would be Independence Day. Some were wrong. Some were right. They were at last free to go their separate ways, with assets and debts disentangled and divided. Actually, they could have been free in that respect months earlier if they had worked with a professional family mediator to make their decisions about their real estate, cars, bank accounts, credit accounts, etc. A Mediated Property Settlement Agreement would have done the job. Later it could have been incorporated into the Court’s Order of Divorce.
For parents of minor children, however, the date of the divorce hearing or even the Divorce Order is not Independence Day. The children need their parents to communicate, without using the kids as messengers, and to cooperate about parenting plans and transportation for the kids for years to come. Each parent’s plans and schedule may have to be coordinated with the other parent’s plans and schedule. The parents do not need to like each other or interact often, but the children will be much happier and healthier if the parents can cooperate in supporting their children’s lives.*
Many parents manage this easily enough on their own. Some like using online calendars or other software for keeping track of their children’s schedules — routine and vacation times with each parent, sports practices, doctor appointments, parent-teacher conferences, Girl Scout trips, etc. Some good resources for coordinating schedules and keeping the other parent informed about events and appointments are available at OurFamilyWizard.com and at UpToParents.com.
If you and your child’s other parent often get into disputes about last-minute changes or other aspects of scheduling, consider working with a professional family mediator. Your mediator will help you create a parenting plan that both of you can honor, with enough details so that you will not often need to talk about which parent will be on duty when. You may modify the schedule anytime you want to, as long as both of you agree about the changes, but having a default schedule in place relieves a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. Making rules together about how much advance notice is needed for changes (except in emergencies) can also help you avoid unnecessary arguments later on.
Whatever works for you, be good to your kids. Let them have the freedom to be kids, playing, learning, and having fun, not worrying about their parent’s quarrels.
