Decision Making (sometimes known as “Legal Custody“)
The person or pair of people who have legal custody have the right to make the major decisions about raising and caring for a child. Major decisions include:
- which day care center to use
- whether to send a child to private school
- what the child’s religious upbringing will be
- whether to enroll a child in a sports program that might be physically dangerous or might occupy almost all of the child’s non-school time
- whether to obtain elective health care for the child.
You do not have to make an all-or-nothing decision about who has legal custody. Parents who can cooperate when making big decisions often decide to have joint legal custody. Despite living in separate households, they will make the big decisions together. If the parents cannot cooperate, one or both may seek sole legal custody. Sometimes parents resolve the question by dividing up decision-making. For example, Dad will choose the day care center; Mom will choose the faith communities for the kids to participate in; Mom and Dad will work together to make choices and arrangements for participation in after-school sports. That sort of plan is
Spending time with one or both parents (sometimes known as “Physical Custody” and “Visitation”)
If the child resides with one parent almost all of the time, then that parent has what is called “sole” physical custody, even though the child may spend large amounts of time with the other parent. If the child spends more than ninety days per year residing with each parent, then the parents have “shared physical custody” of the child. To count as a full day, a visit must last 24 hours. To count as a half day, a visit must include an overnight stay.
Research
A large body of scientific research supports the view that in most cases children have better outcomes if they maintain loving, connected relationships with both parents. As a group, the children who do so are happier, healthier, and more confident than children whose second parents have largely faded out of their lives. They get better grades in school. They are also less likely to have a teen pregnancy or get in trouble with drugs.
Many children raised by single parents grow up to be secure, caring, successful people. Still, children who have two involved, caring, reasonably cooperative parents have an easier time growing up well.
Exceptions to the desirability of having both parents be much involved occur when a parent’s ability to contribute something positive to the child’s life is severely compromised by abusiveness, mental health problems, or addiction. Even then, the child may benefit from safely supervised visits with the nonresidential parent.
Developing a Parenting Plan
A mediator can help estranged parents decide what parenting plan will be best for their children. Ideally, parents make these decisions. An alternative is letting a judge who does not know you tell you how to run your family.
