by Guest Author Elinor Robin, Ph.D. with a little editing by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D.
21. Even if the other parent disappoints your child or fails to honor a time commitment, tell the child that in spite of this error the other parent loves the child very much. (Say that only if you believe it is true. If you do not think it is true, avoid belittling the other parent anyway.)
22. If your kids want to talk, shut-up and listen.
23. Keep your children informed about the day-to-day details of their lives and your separation/divorce in a way that they can understand.
24. Maintain as many security anchors (continuation of relationships, rituals, and the environment) as possible.
25. Don’t overindulge your children out of guilt or in an attempt to “buy” them. Children want to stay up late but they need rest. Children want candy but they need vegetables. Children express financial wants but they have emotional needs. Give your children a small amount of what they want and a lot of what they need.
26. Remember no one is all bad or all good. Be honest (with yourself) about your ex’s and your own strengths and weaknesses.
27. Be consistent in how you discipline your children. Set boundaries, giving them freedom within a limited area, and enforced rules outside of the “corral.”
28. Avoid giving mixed messages or false hopes of reunification.
29. Remember that schedules will have to change from time to time to accommodate circumstances and your child’s development. If you need to change the schedule notify your co-parent ASAP. When your co-parent needs to change the schedule show a relaxed flexibility and go with the flow.
30. Share good memories, but do not live in the past.
More tips will follow in a future blog post. If you and your ex are having difficulty building a functional relationship as co-parents, consult with a co-parenting counselor or a family mediator.
Elinor Robin is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator and Mediation Trainer. You can learn more about her at www.AFriendlyDivorce.com andwww.MediationTrainingGroup.com.
Virginia L Colin, Ph.D., is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Virginia Supreme Court. She is not an attorney or a therapist.
