At work, in your neighborhood, and in your family, you may from time to time run into a dispute that matters. You may want to negotiate with the other party about solving the problem. My work consists of facilitating negotiations, so here are a few tips.
1. If, like many, you have a win-lose mindset about negotiating, get past it.
Negotiating well usually requires looking for a compromise that meets both parties’ needs. If you start with one position, such as a demand for sole custody of your children plus $1,000 per month in child support, and if you will feel that you lost unless you get exactly that outcome, you are likely to walk out feeling like a loser. If you start instead with a description of what you think the best outcome would be and are willing to settle for a plan that seems less than ideal but nevertheless acceptable, you give yourself room to work with the other party to resolve the problem.
2. Educate yourself about what the worst possible outcome would look like if negotiations fail.
In the example I am building here, the worst possible outcome is obvious: going to court and hearing the judge award sole custody and a large amount of child support to the other parent. The best might be having the judge give you everything you want. In reality, that almost never happens, Hollywood notwithstanding. Honest lawyers will tell you that it is almost impossible to predict how a judge will rule. It makes sense for you to consider compromise solutions and remain in control of the outcome.
3. If possible, refrain from attacking the other party and rehashing all the terrible things that he or she has done.
Blaming and criticizing lead mainly to hostility and defensiveness. The effect is the opposite of persuading the other party to agree to most of what you think is best or fair.
4. If you can find common ground — goals and values that you and the other party share — do it.
That gives you a foundation for working together to resolve areas in which you disagree. It also gives you a way to evaluate together whether a proposal you are discussing is consistent with the goals and values you share. For divorcing parents, the shared goal is often developing a plan that lets the children feel secure in each parent’s home and maintain a strong and positive relationship with each parent.
5. Be flexible.
Your first reaction to any proposal the other party makes may be an automatic No. Instead, think about the proposal. Would accepting it have any advantages for you or your kids? Are there any positive components of it that you would like to recognize for inclusion in a counter proposal? You may still say no to the proposal as offered, but use it to build toward a proposal that wlll be acceptable to both sides.
6. Repeat and clarify.
If the other party makes an unacceptable proposal, repeat it back, maybe with a clarification of why it sounds unacceptable to you. “So, you are proposing that I take the kids every other Saturday and a week in the summer. That makes about 32 days a year. Do you think seeing their mom (or dad) for only 32 days out of every 365 days is best for our kids?” Tone of voice matters. If you can ask the question in an inquiring tone, not a sarcastic, insulted, insulting tone, you make it easier for the other party to consider the content of the question.
7. Be willing to say no.
If the other party thinks that you will ultimately have to cave in and agree to whatever he or she is proposing, they may never consider any proposal that you would find acceptable. If that is the case, you do have the option of letting a judge decide the matter. When the other party recognizes this, he or she may make or accept a reasonable proposal instead of leaving the decision to an unknown, unpredictable judge.
8. Be willing to say yes.
The other party may actually have a good idea.
9. Be reasonable and be willing to explain your reasons.
“I never wanted to have a dog. You got those two puppies for the kids. Now I have to keep them. I have to pay for their food, their training, their visits to the vet, and pet care when we go out of town. It makes sense for you to pay a share of those expenses. I will make sure that the kids know that you are helping out with this.”
10. Again, tone of voice matters.
If your tone implies that you are holding a grudge and will remain forever hostile, the other party will be reluctant to agree. If your tone implies that you are simply asking the other party to be fair and have a decent level of trust that he or she wants to be fair, he or she may agree.
These are just basic tips. Preferring to keep my articles relatively short, I will stop here for now.
