Recently an important member of my family died. So I am reminded of Kübler-Ross’s “stages” of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, eventually, acceptance. For example:
Denial: “This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. This didn’t happen.”
Anger: blaming, rage, punching things, sometimes envy, sometimes guilt.
Bargaining: “Please God, bring him back to life, and I’ll go to church/temple/mosque every day, I’ll sell my boat and give the money to poor people, I’ll do anything.”
Depression: sometimes a feeling of apathy; sometimes overwhelming, immobilizing sadness and intermittent crying.
Acceptance: “She’s really gone; she’s really not coming back, but my life goes on and I can be happy again.”
Kübler-Ross first noticed these stages in patients with terminal illnesses. Later she and others observed that the same feelings often arise when there is any major loss: the death of a loved one, a job loss, incarceration, a divorce.
The feelings don’t come in a tidy, predictable set of steps. People bounce back and forth among them, with the general trend being to go through the sequence as listed.
When a loved one dies, you may experience intense feelings of loss. You may go through periods of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Eventually you will probably reach some level of acceptance of the loss. A measure of sadness may remain, but the grieving process gets resolved.
For parents who divorce, however, the grieving process may be much more complicated and much harder to resolve. You may be long past the period of denial, but your kids are likely to be a few years behind you on that. They may be almost endlessly, irrationally hoping and sometimes believing that you and your ex will get back together. It can be hard to move past your anger when you have to continue a co-parenting relationship with the person who so often does things that make you mad. It may be hard to stop blaming your ex when life is suddenly SO difficult and hard to stop blaming yourself when your kids tell you that your divorce is ruining their lives. You are not trying to bargain with a merciful God; you are bargaining with your soon-to-be ex. That can be a nightmare, trying to negotiate and make rational decisions while one or both of you are feeling the crazy feelings that come with divorce. Depression, too, can be long-lasting. I have seen dads and moms who were angry and/or miserable for a very long time for one or more reasons. Some couldn’t see their children nearly often enough. Some were so poor and so stressed that they could not give their children the safe, loving family life they desperately wanted for their children. The grieving can go on for years, especially for people with little money, poor health, and/or kids with special needs.
This is probably one of the saddest blog posts that I will ever write. Is there any lesson to be learned, any advice I can offer?
Maybe some. Practice compassion, for yourself and, if possible, for your ex. Seek and find resources for healing: friends who are good listeners, a compassionate faith community, a support group, a therapist. Forgive yourself. If possible, forgive your ex. He or she was probably doing about the best they knew how to do at the time. Look to the future. Learn what you need to learn so that your next relationship can be a loving, respectful partnership. And love your kids as wisely and as well as you can.
The author, Virginia Colin, is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Virginia Supreme Court. She is not an attorney or a therapist.
