OK, yes, there are some deadbeat moms and dads who just drop out of their children’s lives. Fortunately for the children, these parents are in the minority. And to be fair to the absentee parent, one should note that some are not deadbeats at all. Some have been excluded from their children’s lives by the custodial parent’s hostility, selfishness, and manipulation.
Most parents, however, stay emotionally connected to their kids and therefore stay connected to each other. Cooperation and consideration of each other’s wishes and schedules as well as the children’s wishes and schedules are highly desirable. If you can’t easily cooperate, at least be civil, work with a mediator to develop agreements about how you will handle decision-making and how you will care for your children, and squelch the desire to say awful things about the other parent when your kids might hear you.
Some parents are surprised about how much influence an ex may have over their lives. While the children are under 18, a noncustodial parent can ask the court to order the custodial parent to continue to live nearby. You may not be allowed to take a job offer in Idaho or move in with your new sweetheart in Arizona.
Divorce can change your family’s structure enormously, but it does not end your relationship with your ex. It may not set you free to start a new life in a new place with new people.
Sometimes staying connected to your ex has implications you never imagined. You stay connected not just while your children are young, but for life. High school graduation, college graduation, weddings, grandchildren — both of you are likely to want to be involved. You are likely to see each other. The alternative is to subject your adult children to endless struggles to accommodate you and your ex while protecting you from having to interact with each other.
The best parenting plans are of course based on the children’s needs, not the parents’ rights. When you were married, if you were good parents, each of you probably made some sacrifices so that your children’s lives would be better. After you divorce, the nature of the sacrifices may change, but you will probably still be doing about the best you can to make life good for your children.
There is a limit to how much you should sacrifice. If you become a martyr, your kids will feel guilty. Take good care of yourself so that you can take good care of your kids. If they see you move into a new loving relationship they may be angry for a while about someone displacing your ex, but they will benefit from seeing what a strong positive relationship looks like. Be well.
