What happens when you and your partner have an argument about something? Does it feel like a fight instead of a problem-solving activity?
When you argue in favor of what you want, you may be trying to impose your view on your partner. When you really want to involve your partner in the discussion, you need to have a dialogue, not a debate. Both of you have to be willing to listen to each other. That way you can figure out together what to do.
If you first reaction is “But my partner never listens to me!” then you can try looking at the chart below together and discovering what happens when you both try to do what is listed in the dialogue column, not the debate column.
If that does not work, you and your partner may want to ask a mediator to assist you in having a productive, respectful conversation about the matter that concerns you both.
Lawyers tend to help you do what is listed in the debate column. Mediators help you both do what is listed in the dialogue column.
Click this image of Tammy Lenski’s excellent chart about dialogue and debate to download it as a pdf.
