Co-Parenting, New School Year, and a Fall Reboot
As we enter the month of August, we become aware that it is a time of transition, a time when children and parents turn their attention to thoughts of a new school year and new routines. With this change often come new emotions and challenges. Mixed in with the excitement for the start of a new school year are also feelings of uncertainty, stress, anxiety, and at times, even co-parenting conflict.
Parents who are separated or divorced and are trying to manage the beginning of a new school year as co-parents from two separate homes and may encounter challenges at the beginning of a new school year. This is an excellent season for a co-parenting reboot to help parents get ahead of potential areas where conflict may arise. Parents should be intentional in setting aside time to have conversations with each other focused on creating a child-centered plan to make the upcoming school year successful for their child. Here are a few suggestions.
Information Sharing and Communication with the Other Parent: Approach sharing information collaboratively, as a parenting team. Do not be proprietary with your child’s school, health, sports and extracurricular activities, and other information. Sharing this information is for the child’s benefit. Withholding information from the other parent is not punishing the other parent, rather it is hurting your child. Look at the other parent as a partner in setting your child up for a successful school year. Parents should regularly share information with each other concerning the child and should set aside regular check-ins with each other to discuss this information as well as checking in with your child. Parents should note that this type of cooperative parenting is not a free pass for one parent to let the other parent do all of the work. The collaborative approach of gathering and sharing information with each other requires a mutual effort since each parent may pick up on different aspects of the information and how it impacts the child. Sharing information and communicating with each other provides a more complete picture of what is happening with your child and how he or she is doing at different times during the school year.
Schoolwork Routine, Activities, and Staying Organized: It is important at the beginning of each new school year for parents to have a conversation with each other and with their child about setting consistent homework routines in each home and coordinating between parents how to best provide your child with the appropriate support for various homework assignments, projects, presentations, test preparation and the like. This is particularly important when parents share custodial time and there are frequent transitions from one parent’s home to the other parent’s home. It is also helpful to consider the strengths of each parent as well. For example, if the mother is strong in science and the son has a biology test, a child-focused discussion may entail adjusting parenting time so that the son is able to spend some time with the mother preparing for his test. Each parent brings unique strengths to parenting. By focusing on the child’s needs and best interests, parents are better able to support their child and set them up for success.
In addition to parents working together and with their child to create a consistent and structured time and routine to complete schoolwork, organizing schedules to support the child’s sports, extracurricular activities, and social activities are equally important to raising a well-rounded child. Parents should also have regular conversations checking in with each other and with your child discussing how your child is feeling- is he or she overscheduled and feeling stressed by having too many activities or is he or she struggling with a particular subject or teacher. With regular communication these important matters can be found early and parents can better help their child.
Using a Shared Calendar: The shared calendar is an excellent place to keep track of your child’s assignments, projects, tests, and other school work in addition to designating which parent will take the lead on certain aspects of the child’s educational needs. The shared calendar is a good place for parents to coordinate if both parents will attend Back to School Night or attend parent teacher conferences together or separately. Your child’s sports and extracurricular activities, social engagements, piano recitals, dance competitions, driving lessons, college tours, etc.. can also be included on the shared calendar. The co-parenting goal is to be on the same page and on the same team. Children need consistency and they crave a routine. The shared calendar can also be shared with your kids to help them know where they are going to be and when. In a time when things are changing so fast in their lives, having some certainty and predictability is significant.
How Parents Will Handle Discretionary Expenses: As mediators, we see the question of who will be responsible for discretionary expenses on a regular basis. In Virginia, the courts generally do not have the legal authority to order either parent to pay for these expenses. These are expenses that fall outside of child support, but are still real costs that inevitably will need to be addressed by the parents. These expenses may include, but are not limited to, private school tuition, electronics such as a laptop, tablet or cell phone; sports and extracurricular activities including uniforms, travel costs, private coaching or lessons; school supplies; back-to-school clothing and shoes; field trip costs; school photos, tickets to dances/prom and related expenses; musical instruments and lessons; driving lessons; PSAT and SAT preparation materials, classes and/or tutoring; college application fees, and cost of touring colleges. If parents do not at least have a conversation about these types of expenses (even if they are not part of a legal document), this is an area that is very susceptible to parental conflict when a discretionary expense arises. Working with a mediator to start this conversation can be immensely helpful before it becomes an issue.
Expenses for College Age Child: In Virginia, there is no legal authority for the court to order one or both parents to pay for a child’s college education or post high school education and/or training. This does not mean parents should not discuss these expenses in mediation. It is important that they do. If parents are separating and negotiating a settlement when their child is young, it will look different than if there child is in high school. Either way, this is an important conversation. If your child is young, the conversation may be about how each parent plans to save for the child’s college education and a game plan to the extent there are not sufficient funds for college in the years ahead. If your child is older and funds have not been set aside that are sufficient to pay for college expenses, the discussion as co-parents and conversation with your child may focus on helping your child explore scholarships, student loans, and opportunities for on-campus job opportunities during college. Be realistic in these discussions about what each parent can or is willing to contribute. Discuss the pros and cons of graduating from college with student debt and explore other options like working while attending college or attending a community college for the first two years to save money and then transferring to the child’s college.
Your child may have worked incredibly hard throughout school to be admitted to a great college. If both parents and the child have not discussed how to pay for college expenses and are not on the same page with discussing realistic financial expectations and developing a plan, it will likely be devastating for your child. These are not easy conversations, but must be addressed honestly and in a loving, supportive manner.
Mediation is a Great Tool for Parents: Despite parents’ best efforts to co-parent in a child-centered manner, conflict can still arise. The beginning of a new school year is a time when parents may benefit from a little additional support. The mediation process is a very helpful tool for working through these matters together as parents, navigating the speedbumps that arise during changes the school year brings, while providing your child the best parenting team possible.
If you are facing family conflict, consider divorce mediation. It’s a more cost-effective, less stressful, and more collaborative approach that can help you achieve a positive resolution for your family.
Call us today or schedule a free consultation and learn more about how our services can help you.
Lucy Nichols is a mediator at Colin Family Mediation Group and is an avid writer for The CFMG Blog.
