Colin Family Mediation Group
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Dad’s Visitation Rights — A Surprise from a Judge
After mediation failed to produce an agreement about visitation, I recently sat through a court hearing to see what the judge would decide. The dad did not see his daughter for about four years because he was in jail. Then he saw her for a few hours every other weekend for about three months, occasionally […]
Healing During and After Divorce
Divorce often involves riding an emotional roller coaster: fear, anger, relief, denial, grief, exhilaration, guilt, blame, despair, anxiety, and, one hopes, belief in your ability to heal and build a good life for yourself and your children. When I divorced, there was no magic pill for dealing with the crazy emotions, the financial issues, […]
Divorce and Holidays
For many, Thanksgiving is a happy family gathering time. For others, it is a day when you have to see your dysfunctional relatives. For others, including divorced parents whose children will be with their other parent this year, it may be sad and lonely. If that group includes you, I hope you make […]
Frustrations of a Family Mediator
1. I cannot fix everything for everybody. People have the personalities, anxieties, hostilities, and blind spots that they have, and I cannot always get them to think and speak from the best parts of themselves and cooperate to do what will be good for their kids. 2. I am not allowed to give legal […]
Venting about Your Ex Can Damage Your Child
Telling your child awful things about your ex usually damages your child and frequently backfires. As a family mediator, I hear one parent say horrible things about the other parent all the time. Saying these things to me in a confidential setting is fine. Saying the same things to your child or even […]
For The Sake Of The Children
by guest author Dave Flook Sometimes the consequences of our actions are not apparent until it’s too late. Several months ago I was approached by a girl in her mid-teens. She mentioned that she had seen an article for Not All Dads Are Deadbeats in the local newspaper and that she recognized me from […]
Court Orders: Read Them
Today’s tip: If you have a Court Order about custody, visitation, or support, read it at least once a year. You may have rights or obligations that you have forgotten about. One time I worked with a dad who had the right to take his child somewhere for 3 hours after school every school […]
How Divorce Affects Children
Most children do not want their parents to get divorced. They may feel angry, depressed, and/or scared. It may take them some time to regain their sense of security. Most, however, are resilient. They learn to cope with the changes in their lives. Lasting damage results not primarily from the divorce itself but from […]
Domestic Violence
It’s a tough topic. People don’t like to think about it. They don’t want to know how many people are affected by it. According to a 2010 CDC study,* one of every four women and one of every seven men experience stalking or physical violence from an intimate partner. That’s 25% of women […]
Discipline in Stepfamilies
This topic is challenging. If a stepparent gets off to a bad start with the stepchildren, he or she may never be able to recover. Sadly, this happened when I remarried. My husband and I each had two children in the third grade to tenth grade age range. My husband knew that I had […]
Opinions About Marriage, Children, and Divorce
Recently I read many of the comments on a Huffington Post article about the new documentary film, Split, in which children describe and illustrate how their parents’ divorces affected them. The film is scheduled for release in June. The comments to date have covered a wide range of opinions, including the statements below. True or False: 1. […]
Divorce With Children
Recently an important member of my family died. So I am reminded of Kübler-Ross’s “stages” of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, eventually, acceptance. For example: Denial: “This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. This didn’t happen.” Anger: blaming, rage, punching things, sometimes envy, sometimes guilt. Bargaining: “Please God, bring him back to life, […]
Your Behavior, Your Kids, and Divorce
by guest author Sharon Zarozny Ask anyone who’s been through it, and they’ll tell you one of the most gut-wrenching aspects of separation and divorce is figuring out how to co-parent going forward. It can bring out the worst in the best of us. While married, most parents understand the importance of modeling good […]
Stay-At-Home Parents — Moms and Dads
Recently I read a HuffPost article about regrets about being a stay-at-home mom. It was a good article about the long-term economic, social, and psychological costs of leaving a career to stay at home and raise children. (You can find the article here.) The comments after the article come from many different perspectives. Is […]
Tag Team Parenting
Recently I was having dinner with a group of friends who all run their own businesses. Most of them had husbands with jobs and also had children under age 12. This means that their families were dealing with the usual work/family/life balance issues. With normal kids needing normal amounts of parental attention, one job, […]
That’s a Lie!
It is a phrase I hear often. Often the person who says it appears to be angry or scornful. Usually the other person becomes angry or defensive. The phase interferes with constructive communication. “That’s a lie” is received as a close cousin of “You are a liar.” Even people who know they are lying […]
Ten Co-Parenting Tips
by Guest Author Elinor Robin, Ph.D. and Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. (mostly Elinor) 1. If you have not done so already, call a truce with your Ex. Divorced parents can succeed at co-parenting. To begin, a ceasefire is necessary. It takes two to make a fight, so there is a good chance that either one […]
For Divorce, Do You Need a Lawyer, a Mediator, or Both?
In most cases, I would recommend both, but there are exceptions. In many cases, you can save thousands of dollars by having a mediator help you and your former partner go as far as you can in mediation. The mediator’s area of expertise is facilitating communication – helping both parties say clearly what matters […]
8 Things Every Dad Should Teach His Teenage Daughter
by Guest Author James Parsons and Virginia Colin (mostly James Parsons) Parenting a teen is hard enough, but if you’re a father, the thought of your daughter hitting puberty can be very unsettling. Makeup and clothes might not be you’re forté, but there are plenty of other things she needs advice about. Before you know […]
Ten More Co-Parenting Tips
by Guest Author Elinor Robin, Ph.D., with a little editing by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. 11. Avoid using body language, facial expressions or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you! 12. You can discuss some of your feelings with your children to the extent that […]
Do You Need a Pre-Nuptual Agreement?
A friend asked me for advice about talking with his lady love about a prenuptial agreement. My first response was that every couple contemplating marriage should talk about money. Financial issues can break a marriage. If one of you thinks it is normal to go on a three-week cruise every year and the other […]
Ten More Co-Parenting Tips (part 3)
by Guest Author Elinor Robin, Ph.D. with a little editing by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. 21. Even if the other parent disappoints your child or fails to honor a time commitment, tell the child that in spite of this error the other parent loves the child very much. (Say that only if you believe it […]
Dreaming about the Healing Power of Family Mediation
Recently a business friend of mine, Melanie Springs of Sisarina, challenged a number of people not only to dream big but also to say out loud what dreams they planned to pursue. My dream: Everyone in the U.S., Canada, and a number of other countries will know that if people need to divorce, they should […]
Being Newly Divorced and Happily Single
by guest author Jackie Ruiz You may have gotten rid of the source of a lot of emotional stress when you got divorced, but you’ve likely picked up a different form of stress instead: financial. After the final papers are signed, most women find themselves in a worse financial position than they ever experienced during their […]
Parents, Teachers, and Politics
We need to teach our children how to participate in civil discussions about topics they disagree about, including things that matter a lot to them. This is critical to the future health of our democracy. At present, most politicians are acting the way co-parents in the ugliest divorces act — more interested in blaming […]
8 Holiday Credit Traps to Avoid
I work with many couples and ex-couples whose budgets and relationships are severely stressed as a result of buying things they could not afford. Sometimes money problems are the primary cause of a divorce. This time of year is filled with temptations to spend too much. Below are some warnings from Framme Law Firm, PC. […]
Does Divorce Mediation Work?
Source: TopCounselingSchools.org Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Virginia Supreme Court. She is not an attorney or a therapist.
My Daughter’s Two Mothers
Recently I met a new person (Let’s call him Peter) in the home of my daughter’s stepmother (Let’s call her Ann). Peter already knew Ann pretty well and already knew my daughter (Let’s call her Laurie) as Ann’s stepdaughter, so Laurie introduced me as her other mom. I said to Peter “Yes, I’m her other mom, or, […]
Divorce Corp – A Documentary Film
Everyone who is considering divorce should see this movie. Most of them should then run away from litigious lawyers and find good professional family mediators to work with. Here are links to trailers from the film: The Price of Divorce, All Powerful Judges One organization that is assisting people with quick, inexpensive divorces is […]
Ten More Co-Parenting Tips (part 4)
by Guest Author Elinor Robin, Ph.D. with a little editing by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. 31. Consider occasionally separating your children in order to give each parent some individual time with each child. 32. Introduce your child to neighborhood children she can play with at her second home. 33. Consider holding monthly family meetings, with a rotating chair, […]
How to Lose Custody of Your Child
This is easy to do. If you love your child, you may want to do the opposite of things on this list. Do not attend court hearings about custody or visitation. Ignore requests to meet with your child’s Guardian ad Litem (the lawyer appointed by a judge to learn about your child and make […]
Recommendations for Divorce Reform
Many people still think divorce must be handled through attorneys and litigation. A large number of experts disagree. Deborah Moskovitch recently summarized some of their recommendations in a Huffington Post article. Here, with Deborah’s permission, is a shortened, edited version of what she wrote. Sources and citations appear at the end of this post. […]
Advantages of Mediation When Divorcing
In many cases, you can save thousands of dollars by having a mediator help you and your former partner resolve as much as possible in mediation. A mediator’s area of expertise is facilitating communication – helping both parties say clearly what matters to them and why, hear what matters to the other person and […]
Title: From The Simple To The Complex, Mediation Can Help
by Guest Author Joe Dillon If you’re contemplating a divorce and thinking about mediating, you may be thinking it all sounds too good to be true. After all, there has to be a reason why people hire lawyers and spend years of their lives battling in court and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in the […]
Ten More Co-Parenting Tips (part 5 of 5)
by Guest Author Elinor Robin, Ph.D. with editing by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. 41. Children of any age may be hesitant to spend time with a parent for a variety of reasons. Both parents should encourage the child to go with the other parent at the times scheduled for that parent. 42. If you […]
Can You Afford to Get Divorced?
A happy marriage is wonderful. Unfortunately, some marriages just don’t work out. A surprising number are secretly abusive. Sometimes people just grow apart and cannot find their way to get back together. If they are fighting a lot, have minor children, and can give the kids two peaceful homes instead of one hostile one, divorce […]
Some Lessons Learned in Family Mediation
Little stories can be fun and educational. Working with a different mediator (not a member of our group), one couple had signed an agreement with a detailed schedule describing when their child would spend time with each parent. During the next year or two, each thought the other was violating the agreement over […]
Family Law Reform
Last weekend I went to a family law reform conference just to hear what parents from many parts of the USA would say. What they said was disturbing. The conference was hosted by the Director of Divorce Corp, a documentary about the fifty billion dollars per year divorce industry in this country. Obviously the parents […]
Factors to Consider When Thinking About Long-Term Care or End-of-Life Care
by guest author Jacob Edward Unfortunately, we cannot tell when someone will begin to need long-term care or end-of-life hospice care. Many individuals begin long-term care after a sudden life change that leaves them unable to care for themselves at home, such as a stroke or a fall. Others simply decline with advancing age. In […]
Tidings of Comfort for People in Transition
by Guest Author Sharon Zarozny It’s holiday time, and if you’re in the midst of a major transition, it can be one of the most challenging (certainly not “the most wonderful”) times of the year. Twinkling lights, cheery carols, and holiday shopping can bring more sadness than joy … especially if your world is […]
Shared Parenting
Recently I had a long conversation* with Dr. Ned Holstein, Founder and Chair of the National Parents Organization (NPO). NPO seeks better lives for children through family law reform that establishes equal rights and responsibilities for fathers and mothers after divorce or separation. The organization is focused on promoting shared parenting and preserving a child’s strong […]
Divorced Parents Stay Connected
OK, yes, there are some deadbeat moms and dads who just drop out of their children’s lives. Fortunately for the children, these parents are in the minority. And to be fair to the absentee parent, one should note that some are not deadbeats at all. Some have been excluded from their children’s lives by […]
Managing Anger Triggered By Divorce
By Guest Author Rosalind Sedacca We all get angry when we believe we are being wronged, misunderstood or unjustly accused. It’s a natural reaction to circumstances that put us on the defensive. For many, divorce is the perfect storm that triggers all our anger issues. When we’re parents and cannot manage our anger, it can […]
Family Mediation Makes Creative, Detailed Solutions Possible
Once I worked with a mom from eastern Europe and a dad from South America. The dad was on a path toward U.S. citizenship. The mom came to the U.S. as a nanny with a work visa. After she had a baby who later got sick and needed to go to a hospital, she […]
Stories from Family Mediation
Stories. When I started this blog, I thought I would tell stories of families I have worked with, especially stories of people who impressed me with how well they handled tough problems. The blog evolved a different way, but once in a while I want to come back to the stories, some good, some […]
How to Help Your Kids Manage the Divorce Transition
Even when everything goes as well as it can, divorce requires everyone in the family to adjust to some big changes. If you and your spouse can keep the turbulence down, your kids will have an easier time. Protecting Your Kids from Parental Fights Most kids hate watching their parents fight and hate the fallout […]
Creating a Parenting Plan
by guest author Krishan Smith It can be a difficult business, wrapping your head around all the factors that constitute a parenting plan (often still labeled as a custody and visitation agreement). That being said, once you get into the swing of things it will eventually all make sense and, if all goes well, will […]
School Tips for Co-Parents
Gary Anderson, who created this infographic for Ramos Law Group, is a freelance writer from Los Angeles, California. With over 10 years of experience writing for many different industries, he is an accomplished and published writer and editor. In his free time, he enjoys gardening.
How Financial Assets Are Divided During Divorce Settlements | Divorce Property Settlements
by Dave Landry Jr. and Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. (mostly Dave) If you have decided to divorce, that was probably a very difficult choice to make. Divorce can involve stressful emotions and stressful negotiations about legal matters. This is especially likely when a divorce involves children and complex finances. Your divorce can become ugly, messy, […]
What Parenting Schedule is Best for Your Kids?
With a little education, many ex-couples can resolve most questions on their own. For example, it may be obvious to one couple that, because their two apartments are a quarter of a mile away from each other and in the same school district, and because their kids love and need both parents, the kids should […]
Valentine’s Day after Separation or Divorce
My standard holiday advice: Plan something that you will look forward to and enjoy doing on the holiday. Don’t sit home crying over the absence of your ex. Get together with friends for dinner, card games, watching a hockey game, watching a movie, baking cookies with your kids, discussing books you have read recently, […]
Why I Became a Family Mediator
by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. The short version? It’s a calling. Here is the longer version: My first clue about what I should be doing came late in the 1990′s, when I learned that a friend was in a custody war that had been going on for a year and a half, with many […]
Conflict to Resolve? Mediation vs. Litigation
When I created the chart below, I was thinking about family mediation, because that’s what I do. Most of the benefits, however, apply to many different kinds of disputes or conflicts. It could be a landlord-tenant issue, a dispute between a homeowner and a contractor, a serious quarrel among neighbors about parking or pets, a […]
Does Family Dinner Make a Difference for Teens?
Teens who often eat dinner with the family apparently: have better relationships with their parents, get better grades, use tobacco, alcohol and other drugs less than other teens, and like having dinner with the family. Unfortunately, these data may not explain what causes what. For example, maybe having a better relationship with their parents makes […]
Family Matters Talk Radio Shows To Date
Family Matters, hosted by Dr. Virginia Colin, has been on VoiceAmerica.com for 3 1/2 months now. Here is a list of the topics discussed and links to their recordings. You can listen to any episode via internet any time you want. You can also download any episode as a podcast, free from iTunes or Stitcher. If you listen […]
The Single Mom Movement
A month before her first book was published, Jessica Rector found out she was pregnant. Having lived the life of a broadcast journalist, coach, and adventurous traveler, Jessica initially found her new identity as a single parent isolating and overwhelming. The negative depiction of single mothers in the media and in political debates fanned the […]
How Step-Families Succeed
The adjective “blended” is frequently used to describe stepfamilies. Unfortunately, this term makes the stepfamily process sound like a smooth transition, uninterrupted by conflict or disagreement. Anyone who has been a member of a stepfamily—myself included—knows that this is not the case. Dr. Patricia Papernow, author of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships, identifies five […]
Tips for Managing Daily Life When You Have Alzheimer’s
by guest author Vee Cecil If you have been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s disease, you are probably able to go about your daily routines with relative ease, save a few mishaps here and there. But as your symptoms increase, you may begin to struggle with daily tasks, such as grocery shopping, which were once second […]
Best of Burke Award
We did not even know that we had been nominated, but Colin Family Mediation Group LLC won the Best of Burke Award in the Legal Services category in 2015 and again in 2016! It is wonderful to discover such high regard for the work we mediators do. Below is a copy of the full press […]
Divorce and Structured Settlements
By Guest Author Catherine J. Byerly Structured settlements aren’t something you hear about all too often in divorce – but they can come up, and when they do you want to have all the facts. But first, what is a structured settlement? A structured settlement is a particular way of resolving an amount of […]
The Divorce Dance: Taking the Lead
When divorcing, both parties need to understand their financial, emotional, and legal situations. For decades Stan Corey, author of The Divorce Dance, has been educating divorce clients about their financial situations and about the long-term implications of decisions they are making during divorce. When I talked with him on Family Matters, he talked about what people need […]
Communication: Men and Women Have Different Styles
by guest author Ellen Purcell . . The Problem: “When we are out with other couples, he’s the life of the party, but once we are home again, he hardly talks with me at all.” . The Explanation: Typically men and women view social conversation quite differently. Women tend to be looking to establish or […]
Using Mediation to Set Boundaries
by guest author Susan Oberman The details of everyday life when parents live separately (or even when they live together), can be overwhelming. The complexities of children’s schedules and parent’s work obligations make it necessary for parents to communicate daily or weekly to make decisions: What activities, friendships, and cultural experiences are appropriate? What […]
How To Help A Loved One With Alzheimer’s Make Decisions
by guest author Paul Denikin Caring for a loved one who has Alzheimer’s can be overwhelming at times, and when the individual’s capacity for understanding and retaining information dwindles, there may be a time when you are required to step in and help make decisions for their day-to-day care and future. It’s extremely important to remember, however, […]
How Loving Parents Sometimes Hurt Their Children by Fighting for Custody
One caveat as we begin: If one parent is actually abusive or otherwise harmful to the children, then the better parent’s avoiding the custody fight will not put the kids in a good situation. This article is intended for parents who are in the normal range of parenting abilities and styles. Here’s the short version: Custody […]
How To Handle Tension at Big Family Holiday Gatherings
When the extended family gets together for a holiday, amidst the fun, awkward quirks and tense conflicts sometimes come out. This year may be worse than most. The recent election brought some huge political differences to the fore. Close to half of the people who voted chose Donald Trump, and more chose Hilary Clinton, who […]
Coming Out: An Interview with Rick Clemons
Here are some things I learned from Rick Clemons during our Family Matters interview Nov. 10, 2015. Coming out as a gay person is a journey, not a one time event. It starts with recognizing and accepting what is true about yourself. Then you tell the relative(s) and friend(s) you can most easily talk with or […]
When Mediation Is Not Enough, Part I
Jack and Ann* have been divorced for a year and a half but are still fighting about their co-parenting schedule (still called child custody in courtrooms). This is a very big problem for their kids. Jack and Ann hate each other. They don’t trust each other. Each suspects that the other has ulterior, self-serving motives […]
When Mediation Is Not Enough, Part II
In Part I on this topic, I described divorced co-parents who were fighting about the co-parenting schedule for their kids. It seemed unlikely that they would be willing to resolve their major dispute in mediation. Their most likely next step was to take the matter to court, where each would try to convince a judge that the […]
Financial Planning for the Future of Your Special Needs Child
by guest author Jackie Waters Planning for the future is always important, but especially so when you have a child with special needs. You never know what bumps lie in the road ahead, what costs you might incur, or how financial conditions might change along the way. It’s crucial to make sure that no matter […]
Long Distance Co-Parenting, Can It Work?
by Guest Author Krishan Smith Accepting a long distance situation We’re all familiar with the term long distance relationship. Many people have tried it; many would discount it as a possibility for them without even considering trying it. That’s because of all the perceived and the real issues that come along with it. It has […]
Home Modifications Can Make Caregiving Easier
by guest author Lydia Chan When I learned that my Aunt Lucille had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, I cried. This was the woman who held me on her lap when I was a child and often amused me with her dry sense of humor. As you can imagine, I was relieved to hear that she hadn’t […]
Shared Parenting? A Change in Virginia’s Laws
In April 2018 Kentucky became the first state to require courts to use a rebuttable presumption of shared parenting in cases of separation or divorce. Translated into language still often used in Virginia, by default the court would order joint legal custody (shared decision-making) and well-shared physical custody (child living with each parent about 50% […]
Tax Law and Alimony: Decide Now!
A Big Change Arrives on January 1, 2019 By Virginia L Colin Decisions about alimony, also known as spousal support, are sometimes hard to make. Nevertheless NOW, before the end of December 2018, is the time to make them if you are separating or divorcing. If you want the tax advantage often associated with alimony, you […]
Are We Having a Debate or a Dialogue?
What happens when you and your partner have an argument about something? Does it feel like a fight instead of a problem-solving activity? When you argue in favor of what you want, you may be trying to impose your view on your partner. When you really want to involve your partner in the discussion, you […]
Things I Learned Recently from a Judge
This includes comments about adultery, custody, spousal support, absentee parents, counseling, spying on your partner’s email, and property distribution. Adultery may have almost no effect on a judge’s decisions about custody and visitation. What matters is what is best for the child. The fact that your ex cheated on you does not automatically imply that […]
Parenting Plans (including Custody and Visitation)
Decision Making (sometimes known as “Legal Custody“) The person or pair of people who have legal custody have the right to make the major decisions about raising and caring for a child. Major decisions include: which day care center to use whether to send a child to private school what the child’s religious upbringing will be […]
Divorce and Co-Parenting Support Groups
Worth noting: Some of these groups are also good for estranged parents who never married each other. Divorce is tough. During a time when you are most upset and are likely to have the most difficulty making rational decisions, you have to deal with legal issues, solve financial problems, and maybe also take care of […]
Separation and Reconciliation Agreements
Sadly, most couples who separate remain separated and eventually divorce. Sometimes, though, some time away from each other, with counseling during the separation, helps them find ways to heal and strengthen their relationship. While they are unsure about whether reuniting will work, they can develop a written agreement about (a) how they are going […]
An Old Chair, Long After Divorce
by guest author Danielle Daily I cried over an old chair. Today I donated a chair I’ve had for more than 15 years to Goodwill. I could see the chair sitting there abandoned among the piles of other unwanted things in my rearview mirror, and as I drove away, tears started to roll down my […]
Bankruptcy and Divorce Q & A
Veronica Baxter interviewed Katherine K. Wagner, Esq. to create this Q & A on the basics of bankruptcy in the context of divorce. VB: People often ask, should I file bankruptcy before, after, or while I’m getting divorced? KW: It sounds like a cop-out but really, it depends upon the reason the couple feels the […]
Best Tips For Moving When You’re Going Through A Divorce
by guest author Aimee Lyons Moving can be a tough process for anyone, but when you’re going through a divorce, it can be even more emotional. For most people, separating comes with a lot of memories — some sweet, some awful — and packing up the home you shared with your ex can be […]
How to Do Well in a Custody or Visitation Hearing
In Virginia, when custody and/or visitation are in dispute, judges use known criteria to discern what will be best for a child. The factors they weigh include: the age and developmental needs of the child, the primacy of the parent-child relationship, the ability of each parent to provide a healthy, non-abusive environment for each […]
Making Elder Care Decisions With Help From a Family Mediator
by Guest Author Cynthia O’Conner, Certified Mediator The U.S. Census Bureau in their Current Population Survey of 2012 stated that the elder population — people age 65 and over — makes up 13.5 % of the total U.S. population.[1] The Center for Disease Control reports that there are “more than 24 million unpaid caregivers providing […]
How Divorce Mediation Helps Parents Protect their Children
by Guest Author Barry Davis I think that one very significant advantage of mediation is often left out when discussing the pro’s and con’s of mediation vs. litigation – the positive impact that mediation has on the children and the parents’ ability to co-parent. Mediation creates this situation in a number of ways: 1. “First, […]
Test Your Marital IQ
1. Which was the LEAST traditional form of marriage in history? A. Monogamy B. Polygyny C. Serial marriage D. Male breadwinner marriage E. First cousin marriage 2. What was the most important function of marriage from Paleolithic times to the Early Modern Era? A. To ensure that every child had a mother and father […]
A Quick Do-It-Yourself Divorce
I just heard from a client I worked with in June. She and her husband were in a very difficult situation. They owed much more than their house was worth, they could not sell the house for a couple of years because of a complication in the way they bought it, there was very […]
Tips for Negotiating Successfully, Part 2
You can find Part 1, with the first ten tips, on this page. 11. Begin by asking for more than you want. This is my least favorite advice to give. It grates against my Quaker respect for honesty and integrity. Nevertheless, it often happens that successful negotiations require compromise. If you want $500 a month and […]
Marriage Mediation
by Joseph Leo Hickey III while we were fighting while we were arguing you were trying to help us both understand that the reason why we were arguing was only a lack of knowing that the things she thought i meant i never said, and that our love for each other was overflowing thank you […]
Stress Management During Divorce
The process of getting divorced is extremely stressful for many people. They worry about their kids; they may not have enough money; they suddenly have to make major changes in their lives; they may be riding a roller coaster of anxiety, anger, grief, joy about liberating themselves from a miserable relationship, and/or guilt about […]
Co-Parenting With Your Ex, Mindfully
For many separated, divorced, or never-married parents, this is not easy. Ellen Kellner, author of The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex, focuses on our greater spiritual existence and how it applies to fostering what all children need – love, patience, kindness, consistency, and consideration. Good parenting skills, she says, can be maintained even when marital status […]
Why Meditation Is Good For Your Relationship
by guest author Madison Jones Note: This article is about meditation, with two T’s, not mediation, with one T. Meditation has many benefits, including helping you clear your head, feel more relaxed, improve your focus, and sleep better. In addition a benefit that you may not have heard of before is how it can […]
How Divorce or Separation Can Influence Teen Drug Abuse
by guest author Sonia Tagliareni Divorce is a very complicated and multi-dimensional process for a family to go through, especially when the family has teenage children. It leaves teenagers in a place of confusion, embarrassment, and, often, anger. A survey carried out in 2005 showed that teenagers have a rough time adjusting even if the […]
How to Help Kids Cope With a High-Conflict Parent
by guest author Bill Eddy Rather than talking to the kids about a “high-conflict” co-parent (and you should never use that term around the children), talk about “four big skills for life.” These skills are: • flexible thinking • managing emotions • moderate behaviors • checking ourselves to see if we’re using these skills regularly […]
Strategies for Living Separately but Together
by Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. During the current covid pandemic, some parents who intended to part ways soon must postpone their separation. Income has decreased a lot, so supporting two households is suddenly not possible. Everyone in the family is likely to be feeling the stress. Being trapped in a house with someone you intend […]
Retired Judges Don’t Mediate Divorces
People need to know about the huge difference between real, ethical, early or middle or late mediation and the service that groups of retired judges offer, which they erroneously call mediation. What they do is NOT mediation. Mislabelling the service they provide confuses the public. That’s bad, because most divorcing couples would benefit greatly from […]
What Will You Regret When You Are Dying?
Recently I read about some informal research conducted by an Australian woman who cared for patients during the last three months of their lives. She was a good listener, so the patients told her what they wished they had done differently before developing illnesses that would end their lives. The top five regrets […]
Children’s Holiday Memories
A question for separated, divorced, and never-married parents: What kinds of holiday memories are you creating for your children? Joyful, generous, grateful celebrations in two households? Parents squabbling over who gets the kids when? Bitter diatribes about how awful the other parent is? Most kids love both parents. They do not want to […]
The Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce
COVID-19 Note: Mediation services are also available online. by Guest Author Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. Divorced parents still must fulfill their responsibilities to their kids, and in my view, children should have rights in divorced families. Here is my Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce. If you can give your children these freedoms, you will […]
How to Find a Good Family Law Attorney
by Guest Author Sonja Aoun Choosing a lawyer to represent you in a divorce can be overwhelming. In addition to the more obvious factors to consider, such as experience or whether the attorney was referred to you by someone whose judgment you trust, here are some things to keep in mind: 1. Your lawyer […]
Sharing the Love, and the Holidays, With Your Ex
by Ed Farber, Ph.D. To your child only two things about divorce are good: double birthday presents and double holidays. Parents manage the holidays after separation and divorce in many different ways. Some alternate years —Thanksgiving with father in even-numbered years and with mother in odd-numbered years. If Thanksgiving is with mother, then Christmas Day is […]
Custody Battles
I have lost count of the sad, sad stories I have heard about people who tried mediation but failed to reach an agreement. Sometimes I get really angry at one or both lawyers involved in the case for using tactics that intensify fear and anger in the clients. The increased conflict does a lot […]
A Political Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, politicians got elected and then found ways to work together to govern their towns, counties, states, and countries constructively. Life was good. Then an evil magician poisoned the nation’s atmosphere. Politicians became more interested in placing blame and making others look bad than in doing anything useful. The people followed […]
Double the Presents, Double the Fun? The Truth About Sharing Custody During the Holidays
By Guest Author Nicole Dash As far back as I can remember, Santa visited me and my sisters two times every Christmas. It was the perk of growing up in a divorced family. “Double the presents, double the fun.” At least this is how it was sold to three little girls being shipped on […]
Facts About Gray Divorces
by guest author Lisa Green Despite the headlines, most marriages last a lifetime. In fact, the overall divorce rate has been trending downward for some time now. However, one demographic has seen a steady rise in the number of divorces: people age fifty and older. They are called gray divorces. Between 1990 and 2010 the divorce rate […]
Lessons from 11 Years of Marriage
On her 11th anniversary, my friend Rebecca Geller shared the comments below on Facebook. There are clues here about how some marriages succeed, so I asked for permission to post what she shared. Rebecca said yes. Eleven years ago today we walked down the aisle and said “I do”. We were young, in love, and […]
Mediation for Divorce and Other Matters
I want to thank my colleague Ellice Halpern for writing about The Guide to Low-Cost Divorce in Virginia on her Little Falls Mediation website. While my focus is solely on family mediation, Ellice offers mediation services for a wide variety of other disputes. Mediation is a private, confidential process for resolving disputes outside of court. Business • disagreements […]
Providing Financial Information for Negotiated Divorces
by guest author Larry Gaughan In Court, “discovery” is the way lawyers formally require parties to provide information and documents. In divorce cases discovery can be a wasteful and frustrating process. At times it does not succeed in producing all of the information needed. Despite these problems, when a case is to be litigated […]
Heroic Parents vs. Custody Battles
Heroic Dads That stereotype about African American men leaving single moms with all the work and little child support is contradicted by a number of dads I have worked with. They have been fighting to be allowed to be full-fledged parents, keeping their babies half of each week, supervising older kids’ homework, taking care of […]
Is It Too Late to Mediate Our Divorce?
When two spouses start battling each other in divorce court, fear, anxiety, anger, and costs all tend to escalate. It can be very hard for them to rethink their approach to divorce, de-escalate tensions, and take up constructive problem-solving in mediation. Some divorce lawyers will not help their clients do that. They choose to be […]
Your Child’s Graduation After a Divorce
My daughter inspired this article. Her father and I separated when she was just 2 1/2 years old. She cannot remember a time when her family was just one family in one house. When she graduated from college, she wanted to have a party at which everyone she cared about could celebrate with her. […]
Love, Marriage, Money, Sex, and Power
For more fun, start with the “Test Your Marital IQ” quiz in the June 21, 2015 blog post on this site. Here are the questions (without the multiple choice answers). 1. Which was the LEAST traditional form of marriage in history? 2. What was the most important function of marriage from Paleolithic times to the Early Modern […]
Monthly Budgets
Child Support: This list can be a planning tool for separated or divorced parents to use to help figure out how much money needs to be transferred from one parent to the other so that the children will be well provided for in both homes. . Spousal Support: The list can also be used to figure out how much […]
Independence Day?
I know a lot of people who thought their divorce hearing date would be Independence Day. Some were wrong. Some were right. They were at last free to go their separate ways, with assets and debts disentangled and divided. Actually, they could have been free in that respect months earlier if they had worked with […]
Child Support
A divorced dad once told me how he thought about child support. “My ex-wife committed the crime of taking my child away from me, and now I have to pay her for it.” I get it. That is how it feels to a non-custodial parent who never wanted the spouse and child to stop living […]
Topics in Parenting Agreements
Most mediated Parenting Agreements address at least three topics: decision making, the parenting schedule, and child support. The first, whether one parent will make most of the decisions alone or the two parents will confer with each other when making major decisions about the children’s care and upbringing, is sometimes labeled in court as legal custody. […]
Tips for Negotiating Successfully, Part 1
At work, in your neighborhood, and in your family, you may from time to time run into a dispute that matters. You may want to negotiate with the other party about solving the problem. My work consists of facilitating negotiations, so here are a few tips. 1. If, like many, you have a win-lose […]
Too Poor to Get Divorced? Unlikely.
Once I read a news article that said divorce is so expensive that many low-income Americans cannot afford it. Although this may be true for some extremely poor people, almost any pair of spouses who can afford to live apart from each other can afford to get divorced. In Virginia, a little time with […]
Sometimes You Do Not Need a Lawyer in Family Court
Often I meet parents who do not know that they can get the help they need from a family court* even if they cannot afford to hire a lawyer. Please do not misunderstand. Almost any time you need a court to make a decision about your child’s wellbeing, it is good to seek advice […]
Our Mission
Colin Family Mediation Group (CFMG) has seven certified, professional family mediators ready to help families in Virginia resolve disagreements and stay out of court. Our primary mission is to help family members solve problems. We can help people with a wide variety of issues. These include custody and visitation plans for unwed parents, child […]
Assets and Debts — What You Own and What You Owe
These lists may be used when you are figuring out the terms of a divorce or figuring out how to manage the family’s finances while staying together. Assets include: • Real estate • Bank accounts • Stocks and Bonds (brokerage accounts) • Pensions • Retirement accounts • Cars, boats, and other vehicles • Jewelry • Household items • Furniture, computers, and phones Debts include: […]
The Guide to Low-Cost Divorce in Virginia
by Virginia L. Colin, Ph.D. and Rebecca A. Martin, CPA Divorce can be tough, scary, and expensive. You have to deal with emotional issues, financial issues, and legal issues. If you have children, you also have to address their needs. The authors show you how to • set the stage for an inexpensive divorce, […]
Family Mediation Can Help with a Wide Variety of Issues
Mediation can help a couple or a larger set of members of a family develop a plan or agreement about resolving a variety of issues. Some examples: how to handle the family budget (save or spend? spend on what?), how teenagers and and their parents can co-exist in a way that makes the parents sure […]
Elder Mediation
Sometimes families have to make hard decisions about the care or guardianship of an elderly family member whose physical or mental health has declined. In the worst cases adult siblings end up battling each other in court and then a judge makes the decisions. A much more constructive approach is working with a mediator to […]
