Summer scheduling for every family with children always feels like a real-life game of Tetris. It is truly a puzzle to figure out how to make all of the moving pieces fit each summer. Add a separation to the equation, and it can feel very heavy and difficult, if not impossible, for parents to navigate. Summer can also be one of the most difficult times for a family to experience separation. Not only is it emotionally devastating for all members of the family, but there is also a loss of the routine and structure that exists during the school year. Parents thoughtfully creating a child-focused summer calendar is critical and one of the best ways to help their children navigate these tremendous changes in a healthy and supported way.

Often during the marriage, one parent has taken the lead on researching and scheduling the children’s summer camps and activities, vacation plans for the family, and time with extended family members, such as grandparents, cousins, etc. When parents separate, there are now two calendars to consider, and the moving parts can become even more complicated. Frequently, there is confusion as to the role each parent will now play in this process. Additionally, the raw emotions of the separation often add to the scheduling task: a) a layer of competitiveness, b) a sense of my time versus your time, c) a need to have mathematically identical time with the children during summer break, and d) parental conflict often arises as a result.

Here are some tips for successfully creating a child-centered summer parenting schedule during separation:

Build in Normalcy and Familiarity to the Summer Plan

It is very important for parents to be laser-focused on the children’s interests and to intentionally build in as much normalcy and familiarity as possible for their children’s summer schedule as the children navigate their parents’ separation. This is particularly important during the first summer of separation.

For example, if there is a summer camp or activity that your child always does, or a camp or activity that you know one of your child’s best friends is registered to attend, both parents should support this camp or activity. It is important to not only support the camp or activity during a parent’s own parenting time, but also during the other parent’s parenting time when able to do so.

A good example is when camp ends at 3:00 p.m., and it will be a struggle for the mother to pick up the child from camp by 3:00 p.m. due to her work hours. During the marriage, Mom would handle drop-offs, and Dad was responsible for pickups due to his flexible schedule. Just for the summer, especially the first summer of separation, the parents should consider continuing to structure camp transportation in much the same way so that their child may participate in camp with both parents involved in pickups and drop-offs.

It is important that parents do not get trapped in the cycle of viewing parenting time as my time or your time. It is the child’s time, and it is the child’s summer break. More important than forcing the other parent to find coverage for pickups or drop-offs based on the parenting schedule is creating a plan that supports the children and works to get them to and from camp, especially a camp where there is familiarity and comfort in their routine.

Work Together as One Parenting Team: Your Children Are the Winners

Summer camp registration opens early, often in February or March, and camps fill up quickly in the Northern Virginia area. It is a good idea for parents to set a schedule in their parenting agreement establishing a deadline by which they will exchange ideas for summer camps and activities and register the children for camps and/or activities. Parents should agree to exchange their desired vacation weeks before camp registration opens. By nailing down each parent’s vacation dates early, it clears the path to look at summer camp options.

As parents are in new territory and a time of transition, they can choose to have one parent continue to do the research and select camps to share with the other parent, or they can work together. When parents work together to select the child’s summer camps, they are more invested in the camp and more willing to cooperate with transportation, costs, etc.

Also, part of the same discussion should include the children’s visits with extended family members, such as grandparents or cousins, especially if this is something they have done historically. By keeping many of these traditions in the children’s summer routine, there is familiarity, security, and peace. Also, when the children see their parents working together to create their summer plans, there is security and reassurance that their parents are still a team and still Mom and Dad.

A helpful tip is to use a shared calendar between parents to build the summer schedule. Once parents have finalized the schedule, print a copy to post in each parent’s home in a common area like the kitchen. The kids will have a visual of their summer plans, which can be reassuring because Mom and Dad created this plan together, and they will know what their summer break looks like.

Don’t Overcompensate, Don’t Compete, and Don’t Overload Your Child: It Is Summer Break

Some parents fall into the trap of trying to give the child the BEST vacation, often out of a sense of guilt over the separation. Instead, if during the marriage, for example, the kids loved camping at the beach during the summer, it may be exactly what the kids need this summer. Don’t substitute it with a trip to Europe out of the blue. There will be other summers or school breaks to travel to Europe or other destinations. A trip to the beach may feel more familiar and peaceful.

Other times, parents fall into the trap of competing with each other to provide a bigger and better vacation, or a parent may race to be the first parent to take the children on a trip that was going to be a family trip that had been discussed as a family for a long time. This is just another form of parental conflict and is unhealthy for children. Kids are smart, and they understand what is happening. This just signals trouble to them.

Also, try not to overschedule your child’s camps, activities, and vacations with the notion that staying really busy will help distract from the pain of the separation. Every child needs some rest and recovery from the school year during his or her summer break. Children who are experiencing the separation of their parents also need some quiet and peaceful time to rest and heal. What is most important is that each parent has some one-on-one time with the children and that parents are not competing for vacation dates or locations.

Conclusion

When parents separate, children often feel like the ground under their feet is not very sturdy and not something they can count on as they did before. The children’s normal routines and structure of school, sports, friends, etc., are not in place during summer break, so parents need to create this routine and structure for the children. It is even more important for the parents to work together to build a well-designed, child-focused parenting plan for the summer that supports the children’s needs, provides some normalcy and familiarity, and creates predictability.

It can be challenging to be intentional and work together as cooperative parents at this early stage of separation. When parents struggle because they are falling back into poor and sometimes toxic communication patterns and behaviors, substantive decisions will often fall short or not be agreed upon at all. This is the time to reach out to a skilled and experienced family mediator to help you create a summer schedule focused on the best interests of your children.

What do you want your children to remember about the summer their parents separated? There will naturally be difficult emotions during this time of transition, but as parents, you can and should be intentional in building a child-centered summer experience for your kids. When they reflect one day on this summer, they should also know that they are emotionally safe, loved, cared for, and supported by both parents. What children will not remember is how many days each parent had parenting time. They will forever remember if there was significant conflict when creating their summer schedule.

At Colin Family Mediation, we offer free consultations for both parties both virtually and by phone. This is a great way to learn more about family mediation in Virginia, gain a clear understanding of what family mediation is, what it is not, and why it matters. We are always happy to answer your questions.